eulogy of a depressed mind!

The very title of my blog post is not something novel or incredible. Yet the novelty of my brain gets consumed by this thing each and every day. My mind has absorbed all the words written in fancy lettering and fonts that one can encounter in the bookstores or across the internet.

Yes, like any other person, I still look up to such quotes, sometimes for reassurance and sometimes for seeking empathy. I wander in search of at least one comforting line, one line that is able to speak my mind, that can substantiate the title to my crippling anxiety.

My mind! (chuckles) is like an uncontrolled storyline, where I am the protagonist, I am the storyteller, yet I feed myself lies every instance, so alike to an antihero’s vanity! Not to mention, I am the biggest antagonist of my story too.

My dilemma is everything and yet it is nothing. It is like a bubble, that flies in the air, vibrantly and becomes lifeless, the very next moment. I do not consider people responsible for my devastated state of mind. But, I did not, shop this depression all by myself too!

Apparently, I am enjoying the bounties of life, most of the people fancy.  I am not a thankless brat at the disposal of my family’s income. I prepare myself, every day to instigate this race of life, where every lap gives vent to relentless laps. I take every step towards the uncertain future, just to shut my mind who keeps on reminding me that if I failed, I will be left alone on the streets with empty pockets. My crisis is existential, it is spiritual!

Why I am so weak and act strong, against the passions of my primary need. A need that is suffocating me day by day. Making me a lecherous sinner, who sins just because life has failed to provide him! What am I? Who am I ? Where do I belong? Am I just a self-controlled compulsive liar? Where do I tread? Where will I perish?

I am done hiding and running! but what tactics, I know precisely of, other than hiding and running?  emotional-paintings-agnes-ceciles-world-of-watercolor-art-installations-mayhem-muse-picture

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5 thoughts on “eulogy of a depressed mind!

  1. Love this Zara!
    I don’t think I’ve read anything by you so evolved, so coherent.
    Your mind spoke to my mind that speak your heart. Thank you for this, truly thank you.
    You have a beautiful mind, don’t let anyone or you tell you otherwise.
    Prettier days are ahead, for all of us trudging through the every day muck..this is life, this is how it’s meant to be. You fall down on your face and you get up, look unapologetically at everyone and specially at the person in the mirror and you tell them you’re not embarrassed, you’re not afraid. You learn to love the grey darkness, revel in it, make it your forever garb, you show the darkness you’re bigger than darkness itself, that you can ride it till the end. Like Najwa Zebian said,
    “These mountains that you’re carrying you were only supposed to climb.”
    These undulations are there for you to grow into the person you need to be, for where you want to go, for you to climb. Baby, ride that wave, brave the storm.
    It’s there because you can take it.

    Liked by 1 person

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