Is falling out of place can be falling into place?

We being humans, seek a safe haven over our heads. At least, that is how our Primary needs function. We grow up building castles, dollhouses, eventually big giant buildings. This concept of a safe haven stirs questions in my mind and makes me restless every now and then.

Every person harbors different meaning of safe haven in his head. It can be in the form of finding safe haven in a lover’s arms or an enormous amount of cash, in one’s life. It can be in the form of seeking affection from people or distancing yourself from THE PEOPLE!.

Then come the MISFITS, the restless kind!

Their thoughts never let them sleep. For them, safe havens are fictional, mythical! The misfits, the gypsies, and the nomads don’t rest. For them, the question is for HOW LONG a roof can be safe for them? What if the safe roofs and walls get barricaded by the most unexpected or irresilient circumstances? Where would we run to? Where would we run for?

Why are the Safe Havens, so unsafe for us in this transient world? Because the world is transient and our stay here cannot be prolonged.  The human mind is the cruelest thing, that could ever happen to the mankind. They aren’t shackled, they don’t understand the boundaries. In their wandering, in the chaos, they find peace. They find their safe havens.

Society calls them raptured. But the raptured just questions the euphoric, Is falling out of place can be falling into place? 

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eulogy of a depressed mind!

The very title of my blog post is not something novel or incredible. Yet the novelty of my brain gets consumed by this thing each and every day. My mind has absorbed all the words written in fancy lettering and fonts that one can encounter in the bookstores or across the internet.

Yes, like any other person, I still look up to such quotes, sometimes for reassurance and sometimes for seeking empathy. I wander in search of at least one comforting line, one line that is able to speak my mind, that can substantiate the title to my crippling anxiety.

My mind! (chuckles) is like an uncontrolled storyline, where I am the protagonist, I am the storyteller, yet I feed myself lies every instance, so alike to an antihero’s vanity! Not to mention, I am the biggest antagonist of my story too.

My dilemma is everything and yet it is nothing. It is like a bubble, that flies in the air, vibrantly and becomes lifeless, the very next moment. I do not consider people responsible for my devastated state of mind. But, I did not, shop this depression all by myself too!

Apparently, I am enjoying the bounties of life, most of the people fancy.  I am not a thankless brat at the disposal of my family’s income. I prepare myself, every day to instigate this race of life, where every lap gives vent to relentless laps. I take every step towards the uncertain future, just to shut my mind who keeps on reminding me that if I failed, I will be left alone on the streets with empty pockets. My crisis is existential, it is spiritual!

Why I am so weak and act strong, against the passions of my primary need. A need that is suffocating me day by day. Making me a lecherous sinner, who sins just because life has failed to provide him! What am I? Who am I ? Where do I belong? Am I just a self-controlled compulsive liar? Where do I tread? Where will I perish?

I am done hiding and running! but what tactics, I know precisely of, other than hiding and running?  emotional-paintings-agnes-ceciles-world-of-watercolor-art-installations-mayhem-muse-picture

Feminity ? 

I don’t have to prove my feminity to everyone, especially to the people who treated me like shit.

I am just a gender devoided person inside a woman’s body. I like wearing makeup sometimes, sometimes Kohl rimmed eyes look so ravishing to me. I am not a part of the judgment and banning brigade.

I never asked a guy to prove his masculinity and I won’t, ever. It’s not his job to safeguard me or treat me like a feline creature. For me, all the men I had had once loved, were also like spirits inside a Male’s body. I’d rather be a humanist than being a feminist.

I am just trying to save my inner self for me. I don’t want them to drag the veil of my soul on thorny bushes.

I am wild, I am a non-conformist and a narcissist. I can’t conceal my innermost self anymore for their comfort.

Intransitiveness

I am only good at “being me”

A few hours ago, I was busy teaching my students the types of verb. “Transitive” and “Intransitive” verbs. The major difference between them was, that the former type involved the doer of the action whereas the latter form dealt with states or feelings without any doer of the action. I was wondering that how could a grammatical rule explain life so vividly! Like once there were many actions being performed by the doers and then the action couldn’t be transferred to the object, our heart.

Whenever a pimple appears on my face, my aunts question me “why are you getting them again?” to which I reply defensively “oh they are better, they were much worse weeks ago” Does a pimple know, if it is appearing on a male skin or a female skin? Just like that pimple, I am devoid of the feeling of gender inside my soul until I reach my menstrual cycle every month to proclaim that I am a girl. Why being a girl is so tough for me? I am not a tomboy either. I am me, yes, just me! A free spirited bird, who wants to flatter the wings and fly, just fly without stopping.

They jest at me, saying “you’re a boy inside” I reply “because my father raised me like a son.” I am tired of hearing about the gender roles. I want to be fearless like a male but I know that a male fakes his cowardice by acting vigilant and a female, hides her valor with the veil of fragility. I don’t want to cake myself with makeup just because I am a female and I have to look presentable for the world. They measure my worth with the pressed crease of my clothes and the lipstick shade I wear. They resist talking to me in my messy clothes and face full of acne and breakouts. They don’t judge my intellect on the basis of huge piles of books that I’ve read or the records that I lip sync on. They dread me when they come to know that I am an introvert and I don’t go to outdoor places. They call me bore and psychopath because they consider my thoughts negative and lethal. They easily discard the goodness in me and let my mood swings outweigh the former. They hurt me, I won’t lie. The worst part is they make me dread myself the most. They take me out of my shell, get some amusement and throw me. And left me in the dungeon of my endless contemplations. They convert my life into Intransitive. They really do!

Love, we don’t feel.

Little Aarib, made a birthday card for me, with his own little hands. He was more excited than me for my birthday.

 

Was I happy with his little gesture of love? Being honest, I was overwhelmed for few seconds but after that sadness took over me because I was still waiting for a birthday wish from my ex. The guy who left me, when I was failing in my life. The guy for whom I did everything, even broke my principles and put my reputation at stake.

My family organized a surprise birthday party for me. I was pretentiously glee at that moment but still obsessing over how I had been dumped by my ex.

My Best friend wished me on my birthday, her words left me in tears, those words were pregnant with care and unconditional love. The friend, who never left me and boosted my morale at every step of my life. But, I was again shedding tears for him and his deprivation of me and myself.

Happy birthday beautiful ❤❤
You’re the best and you’ve a heart of gold, if people don’t understand that, it’s their problem not yours because my baby is flawless and you need let go of past because best things are waiting 🙂

I love you ❤❤

 

My bibliophile friend, Safa was overjoyed on my birthday. She walked me down the memory lane by sharing the letter that I wrote to her when I was 10 years old. That moment was the defining moment of my life, that changed my thoughts entirely. I buried that faithless and liar guy in the grave, smoothed by his own lies. I was a fool to cry over his memories and words.

19989768_851939424969791_9046073013735950948_n They say when a man makes you laugh while you’re crying, is the man you should always keep in your life. For me, that man is my father, who has raised me like a son and he still believes in me. My mother, who always assures me that I can achieve everything in my life. My best friend, who tells me that I am beautiful and loyal. My bibliophile friend, who shows me, her fresh drafts and book reviews exclusively. And how we discuss books without gazing at the clock.

My college and university life friends, (my lifelines actually) still count on me, they read my poems and love my sketches. I love them all and I am grateful for all the positivity and affection, that they sprinkle on me every day.

I want these people in my life. Not the ones, who tried to cut my wings and burn me. I am killing the fantasies of a boy’s cozy arms and his laughs. I am going to love my people and my love will thrive for them in every passing second.

I know my ex is still posting his pictures all over the social media with captions like “perfectionist” and “found peace”. I won’t brag here by calling myself a perfect girlfriend material but yes, I care for those, whom I let to stay in my heart. I have Orthodox views and I just can not stand the concept of modern fetish love.  I love myself with all my imperfections and for those, who try to target my self-esteem, I wish them a safe aboard.

Now I am finally getting myself to know that life is beautiful with all its ups and downs.Man can not live in a picture forever. We have to break over and over again so that we can know how beautifully our shattered pieces can gleam.

There is so much love around us but only if we can sense that love or stop begging for a selfish person’s love.One can not be positive and strong all the time but one also can not act fragile forever. Even a prisoner yearns for the sun in a dark dungeon.

 

Walking away to walk anew

I am tearing apart,

I won’t lie,

you pushed me from 

the brink of a mighty mountain.

My bruises are turning into

sour wounds.

My soul is wrecked,

and mind still wants you back.

But, Heart detests you,

the heart that once loved you.

Of all my achings and sorrows,

I am burying your memories.

Let the justice restore itself.

Let God save me from my demoms

and for you! my prayers are not 

prayers anymore.

They are curses now.

I want to be selfish for some time,

till I learn to value my wretched self. 

My verses are weak and discordant.

Till then you laugh, 

because you’ll shriek in agony

one day soon. 

I am easing out my shoulders

from the baggage, that’s

not mine to carry. 

They had my mirror

I once had a mirror,

spotless shine.

Felt so good to gaze at

myself in that mirror.

That face, vitality of

that face!

Then I took my mirror

towards them.

I wanted to complete them.

They took my mirror 

and turned the shiny 

surface into gory black.

Their reflection was so

dark.

Darker than the moonless night.

I walked away from them,

in search of moon. 

Abusive Relationships

“Love”, the most misused word of this world, has lost its originality and numinous. People tatter your soul and tear apart your flesh in the name of love since they never feel it, they just fabricate it.

Every time, a boy hated my round face and wavy hair, they made me question my Maker that why didn’t he mould my frame like the rest of the girls, tall, slender and having angular faces.

Every time a boy mocked at my makeup-less face, I browsed through the entire youtube to see the never ending tutorials, to look presentable for them.

But my efforts didn’t make them stay because they would go for lodgings and not a permanent residence. It took me many years of my life to finally accept myself. They wanted submission and had cheap lenses to that showed only one view, the view of their own choices. Who lusted after bodies and were afraid seeking the soul.

Boys also go through this torture, when a girl wants him to join a gym, because his chubby physique brings dishonor and social instability to them. Even a pet doesn’t differentiate between two persons and shows compassion towards a kind and caring person. Then why do humans practice such a heinous and horrendous act?

“Love” is a selfless act and should be done with heart and not the eyes. One can’t let go of the criticism done on his body as it creeps through his soul and he crawls back into his shell again, never to come out again.

Relationship abuse is one of the lethal abuses, being carried out relentlessly and brazenly every day. We need to purify our lives by letting go of such filth. (couldn’t find a more suitable word for them.)

Ashfaq Ahmed sums up the definition of love by quoting these beautiful words

“Mehboob woh hai jiska na theak bhi theak lagay”

P.S don’t listen to the abusers, they’re having some serious self-esteem issues and you cannot be the cure. If you let them belittle you, then, you too, are a part of their league.

For I was ready

For I was ready to walk in the cheap hotels with you.

I was ready to be gazed at, by the society, for you.

I was ready, to be judged, by them, for you.

For I was ready to cling to you in your hardest times.

I killed my fantasies and broke the perfect image of everything.

I put my doubts to sleep, an eternal sleep.

For I was ready to love you with all my might.

I was ready to betray them, who never betrayed me.

I was ready to make an acquaintance with your demons’ vices.

But there were things you weren’t ready for.

You were empirical with the world, solely.

And Solicitude was my utmost abode.

You were good with words and rituals,

that fed your purposes accordingly.

You had your pockets heavy with solutions.

One of those solutions was, sweeping me off,

from your life.

For I had burdened you, with MY hopes of US.

You left, leaving me with the burden of You.

Mirthful, I am, that you left.

Because every stone pillar, can not warrant sanctuary.

 

Words

How beautiful they look

 yet how cruel they are 

   Narcissistic words

    Corrupted words

Seemingly Sincere words

       Slying words

   How wordless we are 

In the world full of words.