Is falling out of place can be falling into place?

We being humans, seek a safe haven over our heads. At least, that is how our Primary needs function. We grow up building castles, dollhouses, eventually big giant buildings. This concept of a safe haven stirs questions in my mind and makes me restless every now and then.

Every person harbors different meaning of safe haven in his head. It can be in the form of finding safe haven in a lover’s arms or an enormous amount of cash, in one’s life. It can be in the form of seeking affection from people or distancing yourself from THE PEOPLE!.

Then come the MISFITS, the restless kind!

Their thoughts never let them sleep. For them, safe havens are fictional, mythical! The misfits, the gypsies, and the nomads don’t rest. For them, the question is for HOW LONG a roof can be safe for them? What if the safe roofs and walls get barricaded by the most unexpected or irresilient circumstances? Where would we run to? Where would we run for?

Why are the Safe Havens, so unsafe for us in this transient world? Because the world is transient and our stay here cannot be prolonged.  The human mind is the cruelest thing, that could ever happen to the mankind. They aren’t shackled, they don’t understand the boundaries. In their wandering, in the chaos, they find peace. They find their safe havens.

Society calls them raptured. But the raptured just questions the euphoric, Is falling out of place can be falling into place? 


eulogy of a depressed mind!

The very title of my blog post is not something novel or incredible. Yet the novelty of my brain gets consumed by this thing each and every day. My mind has absorbed all the words written in fancy lettering and fonts that one can encounter in the bookstores or across the internet.

Yes, like any other person, I still look up to such quotes, sometimes for reassurance and sometimes for seeking empathy. I wander in search of at least one comforting line, one line that is able to speak my mind, that can substantiate the title to my crippling anxiety.

My mind! (chuckles) is like an uncontrolled storyline, where I am the protagonist, I am the storyteller, yet I feed myself lies every instance, so alike to an antihero’s vanity! Not to mention, I am the biggest antagonist of my story too.

My dilemma is everything and yet it is nothing. It is like a bubble, that flies in the air, vibrantly and becomes lifeless, the very next moment. I do not consider people responsible for my devastated state of mind. But, I did not, shop this depression all by myself too!

Apparently, I am enjoying the bounties of life, most of the people fancy.  I am not a thankless brat at the disposal of my family’s income. I prepare myself, every day to instigate this race of life, where every lap gives vent to relentless laps. I take every step towards the uncertain future, just to shut my mind who keeps on reminding me that if I failed, I will be left alone on the streets with empty pockets. My crisis is existential, it is spiritual!

Why I am so weak and act strong, against the passions of my primary need. A need that is suffocating me day by day. Making me a lecherous sinner, who sins just because life has failed to provide him! What am I? Who am I ? Where do I belong? Am I just a self-controlled compulsive liar? Where do I tread? Where will I perish?

I am done hiding and running! but what tactics, I know precisely of, other than hiding and running?  emotional-paintings-agnes-ceciles-world-of-watercolor-art-installations-mayhem-muse-picture

Mortification or Gratification

Clean dishes, bed made.

Clothes ironed and bookshelves pristine.

Curtains flawless, floors stainless.

Clean surroundings, tidy atmosphere.

But my mind is still a mess,

forces inside, playing a game of chess.

I give an air, everything’s just fine,

then why don’t my eyes shine.

My nerves have never been at ease, since then

They say things will get right but when?

I am hapless, hopeless and all that stuff.

My heart pounds, my feet trips and of

my mind’s demons?

I can’t even comprehend!

I am distancing myself from people,

I want to live the liberty of an Eagle,

denuded of this horrendous world.

My words hurt, my acts kill

and my intuition liquidate.

My senses have fallen from

fancy fences.




Shattered Mirror

Lying under the white sheet

staring at the plain, smooth roof.

Twirling a strand of my hair,

trying aimlessly to gather my thoughts.

Want to taste the tear, gushing through my eye.

Want to feel it chilling my burning cheek.

Wondering, where is the pivot point of my life.

Suddenly, a melody spreads in my room

And my flesh starts turning sour,

goosebumps are tantalizing the surface of my bare arm.

I remember I heard that melody with you.

When you had your best garb on.

When I deemed in you and your

ornamented lies.

When I lived decades in few seconds.

When I felt complete and healed for

the first time.

When I felt secure in your arms.

When I rejoiced in your little successes.

But then, the mirror of perfection got


You provided me with my worst nightmare “Aloneness” and you left.

and you left.

As you wanted peace.

That my soul failed to give you.

But you said, you were a chaos.

Yes, you were right there, you

were indeed, a chaos.

But you didn’t tell me that you

were a thief too.

You stole my peace with great dexterity.

You deprived me of my only possession.

May you not have it!

I am slipping out of the bed now,

Taking heavy steps, fastly.

Blocking my ears, calming the

tumultuous waves inside me.

I have stopped the melody

and I am going to fool my organs

once again.

Like I did, when I was with you.

Just a heartbreak !

It’s worth it to leave the baggage early and unattended.

I have stopped living for a while, just breathing enough breaths to keep me alive. Hopes, aspirations and dreams, I have buried them for a while. My energy is draining with every passing second, sinking in the depth of guilty, bitten by mistrust, leaving my mind in a worse condition, thanks to the heartbreak.

This isn’t the first time, I had had many heartbreaks before but this one is one of its kind. My fingers know, what alphabets to press to put the words on this screen. The effusive lava of mixed emotions of failure, deceit, and fear is coming out of my chest. I know, one moment I am productive but in the other moment, I am a decaying corpse.

This heartbreak stands out above every other heartbreak, defeat, and fear, I have ever encountered. My RELATIONS and PRINCIPLES had been at stake this time, yes, I had been constantly feeding lies to the ones who had put their trust in me. My every organ is condemning me and cursing me for their illegal use that I had made so nonchalantly. My every part is in a rebellion against me. I am tired of soothing the chaos prevailing in my soul and in my body. I have wronged myself and I have wronged them. I stayed aloof to my principles and my theories and KARMA got me. I dilapidated myself in front of him, so badly. I can picture his waves of laughter and his fists clapping upon my defeat, the one defeat, where I surrendered myself without even retaliating.

I am not positive about myself right now, maybe after decades, when I ‘ll be my true self again, I ‘ll reflect on my previous life, my bruises and scars would be long gone at that time. I think I should prepare myself for the upcoming good days. If my heart can break multiple times, it ‘ll find a long lasting cure too. My organs have forgiven me, finally, my heart and mind have finally agreed on a resolve, MY SELF PRESERVANCE, and REJUVENATION. It’s time to come out of my bubble, not to take revenge, not to avenge my wounds but to finally put things right for my own self. After all, it’s just a heartbreak and I am not alone in this thing.

Image courtesy : Pinterest

The Girl I hated

The hate battle, we didn’t even initiated.

This one is for the girl, I hated unconsciously. Hey! I hope you’ll be doing fine. I am sorry, I hated you once so much due to him. You weren’t bad or a bitch, he was a hound, who made us fight. You might not know me but I know you very closely. He broke you in million pieces in the past and my present is enduring the same agony, you once felt. He told me you were hot, trendy and a modern girl. He liked my simplicity by saying “I am a nomad too, I like you this way”, unfortunately, that was again, his prosaicness. He discarded me too, saying I am too old school, duffer and possess orthodox views.

We both have been stabbed by the same dagger. You with your makeup on and I, without it. Your jeans were his pride and my pajama was his disappointment. We had been culprits in his hands. I don’t know the air you carry about me but I am ashamed, I failed us both. Forgive me.

Another girl, who hated you without knowing and with no obvious reason.

You deserve all the goodness of this world without any discrimination.

Worst is the new Best

I am not curious anymore.

How does it feel to be alone in the myriad of a human sea? How does it feel to see your future crumble in front of your own eyes? How does it feel to be not in the Good Book anymore? How does it feel to sink into the depths of negativity? How does it feel to be walked upon over and over again? How does it feel to face rejections and bear heartbreaks so intense to crush the very spirit of your soul? How does it feel to write lamenting notes instead of hopeful narratives? Lastly, how does it feel to not feel yourself as you but a distant creature, rather a FRANKENSTEIN.

I don’t know the answers and I don’t want them to feel. Some people are heartless and senseless. It’s about time I join their league and wear a mask, get myself lost in a masquerade party. But, no, I can’t do these things. Better to get myself bruised than bury someone else. My mind is in a fix and the jigsaw puzzle is still awaiting for the last puzzle piece, the perfect image’s desire is still incomplete. The mazes are yet to be run in and the scribbles too unharmonious to touch the strings of the heart. I am not curious anymore, I am learning to embrace myself at my worst. As if worst is the new best.