Is falling out of place can be falling into place?

We being humans, seek a safe haven over our heads. At least, that is how our Primary needs function. We grow up building castles, dollhouses, eventually big giant buildings. This concept of a safe haven stirs questions in my mind and makes me restless every now and then.

Every person harbors different meaning of safe haven in his head. It can be in the form of finding safe haven in a lover’s arms or an enormous amount of cash, in one’s life. It can be in the form of seeking affection from people or distancing yourself from THE PEOPLE!.

Then come the MISFITS, the restless kind!

Their thoughts never let them sleep. For them, safe havens are fictional, mythical! The misfits, the gypsies, and the nomads don’t rest. For them, the question is for HOW LONG a roof can be safe for them? What if the safe roofs and walls get barricaded by the most unexpected or irresilient circumstances? Where would we run to? Where would we run for?

Why are the Safe Havens, so unsafe for us in this transient world? Because the world is transient and our stay here cannot be prolonged.  The human mind is the cruelest thing, that could ever happen to the mankind. They aren’t shackled, they don’t understand the boundaries. In their wandering, in the chaos, they find peace. They find their safe havens.

Society calls them raptured. But the raptured just questions the euphoric, Is falling out of place can be falling into place? 


eulogy of a depressed mind!

The very title of my blog post is not something novel or incredible. Yet the novelty of my brain gets consumed by this thing each and every day. My mind has absorbed all the words written in fancy lettering and fonts that one can encounter in the bookstores or across the internet.

Yes, like any other person, I still look up to such quotes, sometimes for reassurance and sometimes for seeking empathy. I wander in search of at least one comforting line, one line that is able to speak my mind, that can substantiate the title to my crippling anxiety.

My mind! (chuckles) is like an uncontrolled storyline, where I am the protagonist, I am the storyteller, yet I feed myself lies every instance, so alike to an antihero’s vanity! Not to mention, I am the biggest antagonist of my story too.

My dilemma is everything and yet it is nothing. It is like a bubble, that flies in the air, vibrantly and becomes lifeless, the very next moment. I do not consider people responsible for my devastated state of mind. But, I did not, shop this depression all by myself too!

Apparently, I am enjoying the bounties of life, most of the people fancy.  I am not a thankless brat at the disposal of my family’s income. I prepare myself, every day to instigate this race of life, where every lap gives vent to relentless laps. I take every step towards the uncertain future, just to shut my mind who keeps on reminding me that if I failed, I will be left alone on the streets with empty pockets. My crisis is existential, it is spiritual!

Why I am so weak and act strong, against the passions of my primary need. A need that is suffocating me day by day. Making me a lecherous sinner, who sins just because life has failed to provide him! What am I? Who am I ? Where do I belong? Am I just a self-controlled compulsive liar? Where do I tread? Where will I perish?

I am done hiding and running! but what tactics, I know precisely of, other than hiding and running?  emotional-paintings-agnes-ceciles-world-of-watercolor-art-installations-mayhem-muse-picture

Mortification or Gratification

Clean dishes, bed made.

Clothes ironed and bookshelves pristine.

Curtains flawless, floors stainless.

Clean surroundings, tidy atmosphere.

But my mind is still a mess,

forces inside, playing a game of chess.

I give an air, everything’s just fine,

then why don’t my eyes shine.

My nerves have never been at ease, since then

They say things will get right but when?

I am hapless, hopeless and all that stuff.

My heart pounds, my feet trips and of

my mind’s demons?

I can’t even comprehend!

I am distancing myself from people,

I want to live the liberty of an Eagle,

denuded of this horrendous world.

My words hurt, my acts kill

and my intuition liquidate.

My senses have fallen from

fancy fences.




My Failings

You can’t be successful without being suffered.

I would frown at every accomplished person while listening to their success stories. I would say ” what do they know about my suffering ? ” and ” oh, the same phrases, which leads nowhere.” Now, when I glance back at my life, a year before as it was and now when I reflect upon my that situation, all the phrases and the success stories have beginning to make sense to me. 

For a person can’t be successful without being suffered, like a bird, who can’t fly without the fear of falling on the ground. Like a baby, whose first step follows a series of countless trippings until he learns to walk steady. I had been so comfortable in my own comfort zone that I forgot about the heavenly and the earthly tests. I always gave an air that no bad circumstances could ever hit me. I was wrong, then after graduation, the job hunting made me realize that comfort zone is a fancy. Life doesn’t offer you bed of roses always, thorns also exist. I gave endless interviews and demonstrations but there was something that had to be done first. That very thing was to give me a reality check, that its about time to mend my habits and my carefully nurtured views. I didn’t like the reality check, not a bit of it at first. Watching the underdogs settling in their lives was a dreadful sight for me. 23 and still dependent on parents, was like an insult to me. What was even more painful than their not taunting you and still supporting you. I missed many opportunities and the ones I caught was never meant for me. My anxiety was engulfing me and my mind was in a state of constant war. I yelled , I cried and what not. 

Then Almighty bestowed me with some creative gifts, I couldn’t have ever thought of. Yes, I started sketching and writing. I was a student who used to loathe drawing and was a least scorer in that subject. Writing, I was always fond of but the intensity and the depth of words, gushing out of my chest and running on the paper was something mysterious to me. Though, I am still amateur and terrible at both the things but I know they bring me solace everytime. I am still jobless and dependent on my parents but I have learned one thing, “how to encounter your worst fear, fear of failure”. Now I know life outside of my so called comfort zone and how am I gonna pave my way to success, I once imagined. I honor my lows and I am indebted, a great deal to my sufferings and failures. 

Life is a funny thing, it has many tests thrown in your way and countless experiences that don’t come handy. 

For there is no success without suffering

and no life without lessons.

Just a heartbreak !

It’s worth it to leave the baggage early and unattended.

I have stopped living for a while, just breathing enough breaths to keep me alive. Hopes, aspirations and dreams, I have buried them for a while. My energy is draining with every passing second, sinking in the depth of guilty, bitten by mistrust, leaving my mind in a worse condition, thanks to the heartbreak.

This isn’t the first time, I had had many heartbreaks before but this one is one of its kind. My fingers know, what alphabets to press to put the words on this screen. The effusive lava of mixed emotions of failure, deceit, and fear is coming out of my chest. I know, one moment I am productive but in the other moment, I am a decaying corpse.

This heartbreak stands out above every other heartbreak, defeat, and fear, I have ever encountered. My RELATIONS and PRINCIPLES had been at stake this time, yes, I had been constantly feeding lies to the ones who had put their trust in me. My every organ is condemning me and cursing me for their illegal use that I had made so nonchalantly. My every part is in a rebellion against me. I am tired of soothing the chaos prevailing in my soul and in my body. I have wronged myself and I have wronged them. I stayed aloof to my principles and my theories and KARMA got me. I dilapidated myself in front of him, so badly. I can picture his waves of laughter and his fists clapping upon my defeat, the one defeat, where I surrendered myself without even retaliating.

I am not positive about myself right now, maybe after decades, when I ‘ll be my true self again, I ‘ll reflect on my previous life, my bruises and scars would be long gone at that time. I think I should prepare myself for the upcoming good days. If my heart can break multiple times, it ‘ll find a long lasting cure too. My organs have forgiven me, finally, my heart and mind have finally agreed on a resolve, MY SELF PRESERVANCE, and REJUVENATION. It’s time to come out of my bubble, not to take revenge, not to avenge my wounds but to finally put things right for my own self. After all, it’s just a heartbreak and I am not alone in this thing.

Image courtesy : Pinterest

In a Metro Bus

Some destinies aren’t meant for us.

That was a hazy day,

people were rubbing their

hands to get some warmth. 

They were running to their 

destinations that weren’t

meant for them. 

All of them gathered in a metro,

there was one similarity 

among them.

At that moment, all were travellers, 

all had dreams.

Some were going to see their loved ones

some were parting from them.

There were students, 

white lab coats, coffin of their dreams.

 Yet they were wearing those coats.

There were elder people, 

their wrinkled cheeks, 

like the steep path, 

showed how life was for them.

Their watchful eyes, their silence.

The enigma of their presence, 

described their legacy.

There were toddlers, jumping to and fro

in careless joys.

Their definition of life was enriched 

with dreams and possibilities.

The metro bus, was moving slowly, 

there was an unknown danger, 

some fearful thoughts and 

some aspirations to be fulfilled.

Yet all of them were running from their selves, 

from their dreams.

Every station, brought a chance to return,

 to chase the dreams.

But all of them were like metro track, 

they were being walked upon 

and ruled upon.

Once again, 

man was miserable in the hands of fate. 

Not everyone has to walk in your shoes

The languages, we speak and communicate in are enriched with beautiful idioms, phrases, and sayings. Often we hear ourselves saying, oh what do they know about our struggles, it’s so easy to construct a definition of hopes, dreams, and achievements. They don’t have a speck of our miseries and feelings. Hey! stop, noting conventional is coming up in this blog post.

Being humans, we like to stay ahead of our fellow members, their success suffocates us (let’s just be honest ) and we question ourselves, “I deserved his or her position” or “I wasn’t made to lead this life”. But, have we ever considered the option of pondering upon their dreams and the magnificent end result of their struggles. They are eating the fruit of their own hard work and zest. If you want to relish that fruit, sow your seed and water it with your own hard work and honesty. Some things, can’t be stolen, they have to be earned.

It’s painful to see, everyone settling in their careers, matrimonial lives, and skins. And all you have to do is to line up for the job interviews, admission tests, and loans. When the words, “hope”, “patience” and “this too shall pass” seem utopian and archaic to you. The thoughts of you “being a constant failure” and a “pitied sight” encompasses you 24/7. You only see the struggle, the frustration, the depravity and the black clouds but you fail to recognize “God’s scheme” and the “concept of waiting for your right time”. And when I say, God’s scheme, I mean it because he has the control of our never ending wishlists. If this hadn’t been the case, no one would have believed him.

Have we ever wondered that being grim and being glee, takes the exact amount of time and energy.  If we don’t have to worry about our next meals like millions of people in this world, then why are we complaining? Have we given our more than hundred percent to our dreams?  Does a person’s opinion be strong enough to demolish the foundations of our aspirations and future plans? My dear, people have to say, they have to criticize because that’s what tongues are for. For speaking and criticizing. The problematic area is our brain and heart, we have made them so fragile and crystal like, that every person can break them, leaving us in utter hopelessness and depression. What if we tame our senses, our organs, and our thoughts to block such lethal thoughts with the anti-malware of positivity and steadfastness because crying and worrying aren’t going to help much.

If you want to be there, what you have aimed, you must have to strive and bleed. We often hear people criticizing, but sometimes criticism can be constructive too if you don’t receive criticism, how will you be able to measure your popularity rate. When the celebrities and the famous personalities, give speeches or life lessons, they share their experience and the words of wisdom, they had learned in their way to achieving their positions. The road to your desires have many milestones and those milestones can be passed by taking the first step. If you’re taking more time, then it’s pretty okay, you’re a lone racer and the trophy is yours and yours only. Gap years, failures, low incomes, joblessness, loneliness, lovelorn, deceivings, and deprivations are not the words you haven’t ever heard in your life. You only have you and you should treat yourself worthy of you.

Besides, divesty makes you understand the worth of something that otherwise you would take for granted. Not everyone has to walk in your shoes, not everyone has the same size. Monotony is cheap, versatility is hard to achieve but once achieved, there is no turning back. Gather up your spirits and water the seedling of your future garden. Focus on your best and leave the rest. You’re a human so you must be unique and creative in a different way.