Is falling out of place can be falling into place?

We being humans, seek a safe haven over our heads. At least, that is how our Primary needs function. We grow up building castles, dollhouses, eventually big giant buildings. This concept of a safe haven stirs questions in my mind and makes me restless every now and then.

Every person harbors different meaning of safe haven in his head. It can be in the form of finding safe haven in a lover’s arms or an enormous amount of cash, in one’s life. It can be in the form of seeking affection from people or distancing yourself from THE PEOPLE!.

Then come the MISFITS, the restless kind!

Their thoughts never let them sleep. For them, safe havens are fictional, mythical! The misfits, the gypsies, and the nomads don’t rest. For them, the question is for HOW LONG a roof can be safe for them? What if the safe roofs and walls get barricaded by the most unexpected or irresilient circumstances? Where would we run to? Where would we run for?

Why are the Safe Havens, so unsafe for us in this transient world? Because the world is transient and our stay here cannot be prolonged.  The human mind is the cruelest thing, that could ever happen to the mankind. They aren’t shackled, they don’t understand the boundaries. In their wandering, in the chaos, they find peace. They find their safe havens.

Society calls them raptured. But the raptured just questions the euphoric, Is falling out of place can be falling into place? 

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eulogy of a depressed mind!

The very title of my blog post is not something novel or incredible. Yet the novelty of my brain gets consumed by this thing each and every day. My mind has absorbed all the words written in fancy lettering and fonts that one can encounter in the bookstores or across the internet.

Yes, like any other person, I still look up to such quotes, sometimes for reassurance and sometimes for seeking empathy. I wander in search of at least one comforting line, one line that is able to speak my mind, that can substantiate the title to my crippling anxiety.

My mind! (chuckles) is like an uncontrolled storyline, where I am the protagonist, I am the storyteller, yet I feed myself lies every instance, so alike to an antihero’s vanity! Not to mention, I am the biggest antagonist of my story too.

My dilemma is everything and yet it is nothing. It is like a bubble, that flies in the air, vibrantly and becomes lifeless, the very next moment. I do not consider people responsible for my devastated state of mind. But, I did not, shop this depression all by myself too!

Apparently, I am enjoying the bounties of life, most of the people fancy.  I am not a thankless brat at the disposal of my family’s income. I prepare myself, every day to instigate this race of life, where every lap gives vent to relentless laps. I take every step towards the uncertain future, just to shut my mind who keeps on reminding me that if I failed, I will be left alone on the streets with empty pockets. My crisis is existential, it is spiritual!

Why I am so weak and act strong, against the passions of my primary need. A need that is suffocating me day by day. Making me a lecherous sinner, who sins just because life has failed to provide him! What am I? Who am I ? Where do I belong? Am I just a self-controlled compulsive liar? Where do I tread? Where will I perish?

I am done hiding and running! but what tactics, I know precisely of, other than hiding and running?  emotional-paintings-agnes-ceciles-world-of-watercolor-art-installations-mayhem-muse-picture

Feminity ? 

I don’t have to prove my feminity to everyone, especially to the people who treated me like shit.

I am just a gender devoided person inside a woman’s body. I like wearing makeup sometimes, sometimes Kohl rimmed eyes look so ravishing to me. I am not a part of the judgment and banning brigade.

I never asked a guy to prove his masculinity and I won’t, ever. It’s not his job to safeguard me or treat me like a feline creature. For me, all the men I had had once loved, were also like spirits inside a Male’s body. I’d rather be a humanist than being a feminist.

I am just trying to save my inner self for me. I don’t want them to drag the veil of my soul on thorny bushes.

I am wild, I am a non-conformist and a narcissist. I can’t conceal my innermost self anymore for their comfort.

For I was ready

For I was ready to walk in the cheap hotels with you.

I was ready to be gazed at, by the society, for you.

I was ready, to be judged, by them, for you.

For I was ready to cling to you in your hardest times.

I killed my fantasies and broke the perfect image of everything.

I put my doubts to sleep, an eternal sleep.

For I was ready to love you with all my might.

I was ready to betray them, who never betrayed me.

I was ready to make an acquaintance with your demons’ vices.

But there were things you weren’t ready for.

You were empirical with the world, solely.

And Solicitude was my utmost abode.

You were good with words and rituals,

that fed your purposes accordingly.

You had your pockets heavy with solutions.

One of those solutions was, sweeping me off,

from your life.

For I had burdened you, with MY hopes of US.

You left, leaving me with the burden of You.

Mirthful, I am, that you left.

Because every stone pillar, can not warrant sanctuary.