Open Up

I am still thinking, what to write about and most importantly, HOW? The journey from NUML to Air University was indeed, a grilling one. Making acquaintances and befriend new people is something, I always suck at.

Running and jumping around the corridors of Iqbal Block (NUML) is something I will never be able to forget. That place made me feel the true essence of Literature and Friendship. Healing the broken ones and getting healed by them, in return. From critical writing to analyzing the complex literary passages, I did enthusiastically. And then, life happened, I graduated and left that place with irrevocable memories.

Life gave me the endless series of reality checks, some adult stuff to deal with, joblessness and a broken heart. Above all, anxiety and depression. But I made situations worse in my head, for myself. Thinking that life knocked me down brutally when in reality, I was weighing myself down. I had to go through situations, I could have never even imagined. I doubted myself and my abilities relentlessly. The worst part was that my parents had to deal with the embarrassment I caused them without even realizing. From breaking cutlery to shredding my paintings in pieces, I did all.  Indecisiveness was my only reason for behaving like a completely opposite version of myself. I wanted everything but I was too good to view a non-hazy picture of life.

Then a miracle happened, (chuckles), I had to go through a breakup, the turning point of my life. That transformed me thoroughly. I started owning myself for myself, started putting myself in awkward positions, above all, I laughed at myself and shed my doubts. After bursting the self-made bubble,  I started earning, though it was a meager amount but worth it. I stopped caring about looking feminine. ( Major reason for getting rejected, umpteenth times, still not trying :D).

Life went through massive twists and turns when I got myself admitted in MS English program at Air University. I had to make friends and put my trust in their plans that turned in tribulations. I got treated as a commodity until I had to prioritize myself again!

I was fortunate enough, I found soul sisters in form of friends. They never questioned my love for books and art like many discarded people. ( could not be more polite).

But, this time, the Rishta rants and me, running out of suitable bachelors, got me into real trouble. For the first time in my life, I trusted my mother with my secrets. this time their nature was different, it was not about getting new toys but the so-called Rishtas. She proved a great help and motivator, as always.

For an introvert like me, the University events and managerial stuff sounded like hell. But I did them, in fact, I did great in managing those events.

Soon, I will have to submit my final thesis and life will happen, as it does. But this time, I am prepared for life. The key is acceptance, not resilience! Life does get better but it makes you better, first! We have to hug the thorns, in order to get ourselves to the thrones. Life has got funny ways of transforming us into something, we can not even fantasize.

When Life happens, nothing else happens… ( had to end with this not so deep line).

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Love, we don’t feel.

Little Aarib, made a birthday card for me, with his own little hands. He was more excited than me for my birthday.

 

Was I happy with his little gesture of love? Being honest, I was overwhelmed for few seconds but after that sadness took over me because I was still waiting for a birthday wish from my ex. The guy who left me, when I was failing in my life. The guy for whom I did everything, even broke my principles and put my reputation at stake.

My family organized a surprise birthday party for me. I was pretentiously glee at that moment but still obsessing over how I had been dumped by my ex.

My Best friend wished me on my birthday, her words left me in tears, those words were pregnant with care and unconditional love. The friend, who never left me and boosted my morale at every step of my life. But, I was again shedding tears for him and his deprivation of me and myself.

Happy birthday beautiful ❤❤
You’re the best and you’ve a heart of gold, if people don’t understand that, it’s their problem not yours because my baby is flawless and you need let go of past because best things are waiting 🙂

I love you ❤❤

 

My bibliophile friend, Safa was overjoyed on my birthday. She walked me down the memory lane by sharing the letter that I wrote to her when I was 10 years old. That moment was the defining moment of my life, that changed my thoughts entirely. I buried that faithless and liar guy in the grave, smoothed by his own lies. I was a fool to cry over his memories and words.

19989768_851939424969791_9046073013735950948_n They say when a man makes you laugh while you’re crying, is the man you should always keep in your life. For me, that man is my father, who has raised me like a son and he still believes in me. My mother, who always assures me that I can achieve everything in my life. My best friend, who tells me that I am beautiful and loyal. My bibliophile friend, who shows me, her fresh drafts and book reviews exclusively. And how we discuss books without gazing at the clock.

My college and university life friends, (my lifelines actually) still count on me, they read my poems and love my sketches. I love them all and I am grateful for all the positivity and affection, that they sprinkle on me every day.

I want these people in my life. Not the ones, who tried to cut my wings and burn me. I am killing the fantasies of a boy’s cozy arms and his laughs. I am going to love my people and my love will thrive for them in every passing second.

I know my ex is still posting his pictures all over the social media with captions like “perfectionist” and “found peace”. I won’t brag here by calling myself a perfect girlfriend material but yes, I care for those, whom I let to stay in my heart. I have Orthodox views and I just can not stand the concept of modern fetish love.  I love myself with all my imperfections and for those, who try to target my self-esteem, I wish them a safe aboard.

Now I am finally getting myself to know that life is beautiful with all its ups and downs.Man can not live in a picture forever. We have to break over and over again so that we can know how beautifully our shattered pieces can gleam.

There is so much love around us but only if we can sense that love or stop begging for a selfish person’s love.One can not be positive and strong all the time but one also can not act fragile forever. Even a prisoner yearns for the sun in a dark dungeon.