Feminity ? 

I don’t have to prove my feminity to everyone, especially to the people who treated me like shit.

I am just a gender devoided person inside a woman’s body. I like wearing makeup sometimes, sometimes Kohl rimmed eyes look so ravishing to me. I am not a part of the judgment and banning brigade.

I never asked a guy to prove his masculinity and I won’t, ever. It’s not his job to safeguard me or treat me like a feline creature. For me, all the men I had had once loved, were also like spirits inside a Male’s body. I’d rather be a humanist than being a feminist.

I am just trying to save my inner self for me. I don’t want them to drag the veil of my soul on thorny bushes.

I am wild, I am a non-conformist and a narcissist. I can’t conceal my innermost self anymore for their comfort.

For I was ready

For I was ready to walk in the cheap hotels with you.

I was ready to be gazed at, by the society, for you.

I was ready, to be judged, by them, for you.

For I was ready to cling to you in your hardest times.

I killed my fantasies and broke the perfect image of everything.

I put my doubts to sleep, an eternal sleep.

For I was ready to love you with all my might.

I was ready to betray them, who never betrayed me.

I was ready to make an acquaintance with your demons’ vices.

But there were things you weren’t ready for.

You were empirical with the world, solely.

And Solicitude was my utmost abode.

You were good with words and rituals,

that fed your purposes accordingly.

You had your pockets heavy with solutions.

One of those solutions was, sweeping me off,

from your life.

For I had burdened you, with MY hopes of US.

You left, leaving me with the burden of You.

Mirthful, I am, that you left.

Because every stone pillar, can not warrant sanctuary.

 

Just a heartbreak !

It’s worth it to leave the baggage early and unattended.

I have stopped living for a while, just breathing enough breaths to keep me alive. Hopes, aspirations and dreams, I have buried them for a while. My energy is draining with every passing second, sinking in the depth of guilty, bitten by mistrust, leaving my mind in a worse condition, thanks to the heartbreak.

This isn’t the first time, I had had many heartbreaks before but this one is one of its kind. My fingers know, what alphabets to press to put the words on this screen. The effusive lava of mixed emotions of failure, deceit, and fear is coming out of my chest. I know, one moment I am productive but in the other moment, I am a decaying corpse.

This heartbreak stands out above every other heartbreak, defeat, and fear, I have ever encountered. My RELATIONS and PRINCIPLES had been at stake this time, yes, I had been constantly feeding lies to the ones who had put their trust in me. My every organ is condemning me and cursing me for their illegal use that I had made so nonchalantly. My every part is in a rebellion against me. I am tired of soothing the chaos prevailing in my soul and in my body. I have wronged myself and I have wronged them. I stayed aloof to my principles and my theories and KARMA got me. I dilapidated myself in front of him, so badly. I can picture his waves of laughter and his fists clapping upon my defeat, the one defeat, where I surrendered myself without even retaliating.

I am not positive about myself right now, maybe after decades, when I ‘ll be my true self again, I ‘ll reflect on my previous life, my bruises and scars would be long gone at that time. I think I should prepare myself for the upcoming good days. If my heart can break multiple times, it ‘ll find a long lasting cure too. My organs have forgiven me, finally, my heart and mind have finally agreed on a resolve, MY SELF PRESERVANCE, and REJUVENATION. It’s time to come out of my bubble, not to take revenge, not to avenge my wounds but to finally put things right for my own self. After all, it’s just a heartbreak and I am not alone in this thing.

Image courtesy : Pinterest

On discarding the current self

This world is divided in the phenomenon of two. Both on the concrete and the abstract level. Both are the wont of one another, two equal forces, tell one another off. Sky for pouring rain and earth for the blanket of soil. Likewise, morals and immorals to live with. And, I am constantly torn between the phenomenon of two. I so want to shed the very oneself, I have been nurturing for many years. I want to embrace the second self, I want to live and cherish that desired self. My present self is holding me back for going on new ventures, it is choking my throat and twisting my muscles. I’ve had enough of this self.  I just can’t deal with the vices of my weak demons and hollow spirits. I so want to hear my inner voice, yelling, crying and cheering me to push myself beyond my limits. To turn every negative into affirmative, every fear into a new try. Every doubt into recognition. My current self is calling its wont, its other half, its opponent, indeed a mighty one and a staunch believer. With a warrior’s mind and an artist’s novelty. Like the drops of sweat being freshly wiped from a warrior’s forehead and the fine strokes of a paint brush. Freeing the spirits, letting them wander in a careful joy but not aimlessly. To challenge my lows and my gloom, to scare them. To rejuvenate me, to give me birth again and to construct the empire of my possibilities and becomings from the scratch,  by laying the foundations of self-realization and self-love.

I just want to forget about the reminders and the self-doubts. I want to laugh so hard that my eyes get teary, like they are now, due to the former reasons. I want to bury my this loathsome negative self so deep in the ground, in the oceans’ depth so it can’t come out to ask for a lodging in my body and soul. I am clinging between what do they want and how do I make them gay? In my heart, I just want to be a bloody narcissist so I can save myself from the impugned tongues’ attacks. I want to love me, think me, cherish me and above all live me! I can’t go on hating myself, yes I am a sinner and a wrongdoer. If Almighty can forgive me, why can’t I forgive me? Why do I inflict injuries upon my own self? To conceal the darkness prevailing in the chamber of my heart? No, self, deserves to be loved after Almighty.

I want to hug me, kiss me and look after me. After all, this self silently endured the cruelties I inflicted upon him. They hate me, they can. They laugh at me, they can. They bash me, they disown me and they discredit me, still, they can. As I have stopped entertaining them and start admiring my own self. Imperfect, bruised, ugly, fat and immoral , whatever you call it (or you can seek aid from the dictionary.) I ll raze your every comment with my steadfastness and my aloofness towards your opinions. I ll love myself, I ll love my imperfect self and I ll rejoice in my own company. Call me mad, freak or crazy but I have just realized what I should  have years ago.

I own me and I owe me a lot.