Is falling out of place can be falling into place?

We being humans, seek a safe haven over our heads. At least, that is how our Primary needs function. We grow up building castles, dollhouses, eventually big giant buildings. This concept of a safe haven stirs questions in my mind and makes me restless every now and then.

Every person harbors different meaning of safe haven in his head. It can be in the form of finding safe haven in a lover’s arms or an enormous amount of cash, in one’s life. It can be in the form of seeking affection from people or distancing yourself from THE PEOPLE!.

Then come the MISFITS, the restless kind!

Their thoughts never let them sleep. For them, safe havens are fictional, mythical! The misfits, the gypsies, and the nomads don’t rest. For them, the question is for HOW LONG a roof can be safe for them? What if the safe roofs and walls get barricaded by the most unexpected or irresilient circumstances? Where would we run to? Where would we run for?

Why are the Safe Havens, so unsafe for us in this transient world? Because the world is transient and our stay here cannot be prolonged.  The human mind is the cruelest thing, that could ever happen to the mankind. They aren’t shackled, they don’t understand the boundaries. In their wandering, in the chaos, they find peace. They find their safe havens.

Society calls them raptured. But the raptured just questions the euphoric, Is falling out of place can be falling into place? 

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eulogy of a depressed mind!

The very title of my blog post is not something novel or incredible. Yet the novelty of my brain gets consumed by this thing each and every day. My mind has absorbed all the words written in fancy lettering and fonts that one can encounter in the bookstores or across the internet.

Yes, like any other person, I still look up to such quotes, sometimes for reassurance and sometimes for seeking empathy. I wander in search of at least one comforting line, one line that is able to speak my mind, that can substantiate the title to my crippling anxiety.

My mind! (chuckles) is like an uncontrolled storyline, where I am the protagonist, I am the storyteller, yet I feed myself lies every instance, so alike to an antihero’s vanity! Not to mention, I am the biggest antagonist of my story too.

My dilemma is everything and yet it is nothing. It is like a bubble, that flies in the air, vibrantly and becomes lifeless, the very next moment. I do not consider people responsible for my devastated state of mind. But, I did not, shop this depression all by myself too!

Apparently, I am enjoying the bounties of life, most of the people fancy.  I am not a thankless brat at the disposal of my family’s income. I prepare myself, every day to instigate this race of life, where every lap gives vent to relentless laps. I take every step towards the uncertain future, just to shut my mind who keeps on reminding me that if I failed, I will be left alone on the streets with empty pockets. My crisis is existential, it is spiritual!

Why I am so weak and act strong, against the passions of my primary need. A need that is suffocating me day by day. Making me a lecherous sinner, who sins just because life has failed to provide him! What am I? Who am I ? Where do I belong? Am I just a self-controlled compulsive liar? Where do I tread? Where will I perish?

I am done hiding and running! but what tactics, I know precisely of, other than hiding and running?  emotional-paintings-agnes-ceciles-world-of-watercolor-art-installations-mayhem-muse-picture

Open Up

I am still thinking, what to write about and most importantly, HOW? The journey from NUML to Air University was indeed, a grilling one. Making acquaintances and befriend new people is something, I always suck at.

Running and jumping around the corridors of Iqbal Block (NUML) is something I will never be able to forget. That place made me feel the true essence of Literature and Friendship. Healing the broken ones and getting healed by them, in return. From critical writing to analyzing the complex literary passages, I did enthusiastically. And then, life happened, I graduated and left that place with irrevocable memories.

Life gave me the endless series of reality checks, some adult stuff to deal with, joblessness and a broken heart. Above all, anxiety and depression. But I made situations worse in my head, for myself. Thinking that life knocked me down brutally when in reality, I was weighing myself down. I had to go through situations, I could have never even imagined. I doubted myself and my abilities relentlessly. The worst part was that my parents had to deal with the embarrassment I caused them without even realizing. From breaking cutlery to shredding my paintings in pieces, I did all.  Indecisiveness was my only reason for behaving like a completely opposite version of myself. I wanted everything but I was too good to view a non-hazy picture of life.

Then a miracle happened, (chuckles), I had to go through a breakup, the turning point of my life. That transformed me thoroughly. I started owning myself for myself, started putting myself in awkward positions, above all, I laughed at myself and shed my doubts. After bursting the self-made bubble,  I started earning, though it was a meager amount but worth it. I stopped caring about looking feminine. ( Major reason for getting rejected, umpteenth times, still not trying :D).

Life went through massive twists and turns when I got myself admitted in MS English program at Air University. I had to make friends and put my trust in their plans that turned in tribulations. I got treated as a commodity until I had to prioritize myself again!

I was fortunate enough, I found soul sisters in form of friends. They never questioned my love for books and art like many discarded people. ( could not be more polite).

But, this time, the Rishta rants and me, running out of suitable bachelors, got me into real trouble. For the first time in my life, I trusted my mother with my secrets. this time their nature was different, it was not about getting new toys but the so-called Rishtas. She proved a great help and motivator, as always.

For an introvert like me, the University events and managerial stuff sounded like hell. But I did them, in fact, I did great in managing those events.

Soon, I will have to submit my final thesis and life will happen, as it does. But this time, I am prepared for life. The key is acceptance, not resilience! Life does get better but it makes you better, first! We have to hug the thorns, in order to get ourselves to the thrones. Life has got funny ways of transforming us into something, we can not even fantasize.

When Life happens, nothing else happens… ( had to end with this not so deep line).

Feminity ? 

I don’t have to prove my feminity to everyone, especially to the people who treated me like shit.

I am just a gender devoided person inside a woman’s body. I like wearing makeup sometimes, sometimes Kohl rimmed eyes look so ravishing to me. I am not a part of the judgment and banning brigade.

I never asked a guy to prove his masculinity and I won’t, ever. It’s not his job to safeguard me or treat me like a feline creature. For me, all the men I had had once loved, were also like spirits inside a Male’s body. I’d rather be a humanist than being a feminist.

I am just trying to save my inner self for me. I don’t want them to drag the veil of my soul on thorny bushes.

I am wild, I am a non-conformist and a narcissist. I can’t conceal my innermost self anymore for their comfort.

Walking away to walk anew

I am tearing apart,

I won’t lie,

you pushed me from 

the brink of a mighty mountain.

My bruises are turning into

sour wounds.

My soul is wrecked,

and mind still wants you back.

But, Heart detests you,

the heart that once loved you.

Of all my achings and sorrows,

I am burying your memories.

Let the justice restore itself.

Let God save me from my demoms

and for you! my prayers are not 

prayers anymore.

They are curses now.

I want to be selfish for some time,

till I learn to value my wretched self. 

My verses are weak and discordant.

Till then you laugh, 

because you’ll shriek in agony

one day soon. 

I am easing out my shoulders

from the baggage, that’s

not mine to carry. 

For I was ready

For I was ready to walk in the cheap hotels with you.

I was ready to be gazed at, by the society, for you.

I was ready, to be judged, by them, for you.

For I was ready to cling to you in your hardest times.

I killed my fantasies and broke the perfect image of everything.

I put my doubts to sleep, an eternal sleep.

For I was ready to love you with all my might.

I was ready to betray them, who never betrayed me.

I was ready to make an acquaintance with your demons’ vices.

But there were things you weren’t ready for.

You were empirical with the world, solely.

And Solicitude was my utmost abode.

You were good with words and rituals,

that fed your purposes accordingly.

You had your pockets heavy with solutions.

One of those solutions was, sweeping me off,

from your life.

For I had burdened you, with MY hopes of US.

You left, leaving me with the burden of You.

Mirthful, I am, that you left.

Because every stone pillar, can not warrant sanctuary.

 

Shattered Mirror

Lying under the white sheet

staring at the plain, smooth roof.

Twirling a strand of my hair,

trying aimlessly to gather my thoughts.

Want to taste the tear, gushing through my eye.

Want to feel it chilling my burning cheek.

Wondering, where is the pivot point of my life.

Suddenly, a melody spreads in my room

And my flesh starts turning sour,

goosebumps are tantalizing the surface of my bare arm.

I remember I heard that melody with you.

When you had your best garb on.

When I deemed in you and your

ornamented lies.

When I lived decades in few seconds.

When I felt complete and healed for

the first time.

When I felt secure in your arms.

When I rejoiced in your little successes.

But then, the mirror of perfection got

shattered.

You provided me with my worst nightmare “Aloneness” and you left.

and you left.

As you wanted peace.

That my soul failed to give you.

But you said, you were a chaos.

Yes, you were right there, you

were indeed, a chaos.

But you didn’t tell me that you

were a thief too.

You stole my peace with great dexterity.

You deprived me of my only possession.

May you not have it!

I am slipping out of the bed now,

Taking heavy steps, fastly.

Blocking my ears, calming the

tumultuous waves inside me.

I have stopped the melody

and I am going to fool my organs

once again.

Like I did, when I was with you.